I think I found my soliloquy. It comes in a white pill dosed at 200mg twice daily. Its title is Provigil. Nine out of ten monkeys prefer it over cocaine.
A few months ago, I quit taking it because I didn’t like the idea that I was becoming addicted to it. I needed it. Even though the documentation says it isn’t addictive, I was exhibiting behaviors similar to that of an addict when it came to using it. Besides, my copay went up and I wanted to save a few bucks. Those few bucks have ended up costing me hundreds and have potentially made significant scars on various relationships in my life.
Shortly after stopping, I became more lethargic than usual. I became frustrated because I was unable to think clearly or maintain focus on my work. But I suffered through, assuming that my body was adjusting. It wasn’t. I became frustrated and despondent. Finally, after about three months, someone important to me initiated a reverse intervention. She told me to get back on my drugs, because I was ruining my life.
Yesterday I spoke with my doctor. He indicated that while Provigil is not considered addicting, we may become dependent on it. Because it isn’t addicting, the industry is attempting to refer to it as an alertness medication and not a stimulant. Apparently, drug dependence is not always a bad thing. He pointed out that diabetics are dependent on insulin. Postthyroidectomy patients are dependent on Synthroid. Apparently, some of us just need Provigil.
I took my first dose shortly after seeing the doctor. If ever there was a way to convert Eeyore into Tigger, this is it. The clouds parted, my mood lifted, the accelerator hit the floor and I was cranked! Score one for Provigil.
I don’t feel bad about my choice anymore. I’ve lost a lot as a result of my down time. It is now time to get it back. (If you want to help the giant, click the advert links. Charitable donations will also not be refused! If everyone who’s on the Internet just sent me a little bit… Okay, never mind. I can dream, can’t I?) Part of the recovery process involves instituting personal changes in my habits, which I now have the energy to make. Maybe someday, with the help of an increased focus on gratitude, a more robust prayer life, and the development of a pattern for living, I will get off the Provigil again. For now though, Rock On!